Ask Barbara

Nasty mark on your trousers and no idea how to get it out? Desperate to know just how we get those sharp corners on our bed linen? You can now share any pressing questions on etiquette, decorum or embarrassing stains with our very own Agony Aunt, Barbara – answers will be showcased in the next issue of The Trumpeter or on our website. Just drop us a line at [email protected]

Here are a few of your recent conundrums. 

Dear Barbara,

I’ve noticed that you are keen to welcome animals at The Goring (see: Teddy and your alarming number of sheep). Please may I bring my pet ferret during my next stay? He’s happy to sleep in the bath.

Yours, Concerned animal-lover

Dear concerned animal-lover,

Your question makes me think back to when we tried to enforce an old, irksome no-pets rule. A notice from March 1910, displayed until recently in reception, reminded guests that “dogs, cats, birds and other pets are not allowed in any part of this hotel.” The first known breach came in 1912, when a lady wearing a large muff checked into a room with a balcony on a warm night. She left her windows open, and by morning we were flooded with complaints. One guest reported her dressing table in disarray; another, his papers scattered across the room; and a third, an elderly matron, lamented the disappearance of her wig. After several similar calls, an indignant gentleman descended to announce he would never stay at The Goring again – he had awoken to find a small monkey perched on his bed. Eventually, both monkey and wig were recovered, and the culprit identified: the lady with the muff, now empty, her mischievous marmoset perched calmly on her shoulder as she departed. So to answer your question, your pet ferret is most welcome. But it would be appreciated if you could ensure the creature doesn’t steal any of our guests’ wigs.

Dear Barbara,

Ever since I heard the story about US President  William Howard Taft getting stuck in the bath, having to be covered in butter and hauled out by six men, I’ve been worrying. What if that happens to me at The Goring?

Dear nervous bather,

We quite understand your concern – but in the unlikely event that you do become stuck, we have the know-how. Every so often, we do find a guest who is unable to liberate themselves from their morning bath. We now know that each situation has its own physics but they broadly fall into two categories:

1. Vacuum, or suction force (F=PxA). To deal with a vacuum we advise a slow, steady lift by two persons with a third “breaking the seal” by peeling the widest part of the person away from

the tub at the start. The squeamish can ask the guest if they would mind doing the peeling bit

themselves.

2. Weight (F=MA). This requires a simple two- toe three-man lift, but go slowly and bend at the

knees! Always make sure that the floor has been dried first to avoid slips. For both of the above,

please cover the guest with a large fluffy towel, no matter if it gets wet. The final rule is to never speak of it again.

Dear Barbara,

Dear Barbara, I can’t wait to visit The Goring from my remote lair in the mountains of Austria - what should I bring and what should I wear?

Yours, Concerned lair owner

Dear Concerned lair owner,

Take a leaf out of our regular guest in the 30s - Mrs Violet d’Arcy who dressed entirely in violet and brought her own violet sheets and pillowcases. She used violet ink to write poisonous missives to her family and once appeared in the Dining Room, head to toe in violet, and pronounced it “full of witches and bitches” and said, “I shall lunch in my room.”

Send your pressing questions to [email protected]